其实我很怕。。

我是一个不晓得如何面对失败的人。从很久以前就开始有了这样的一个想法，这个世界到底是为了什么而存在而我又是为了什么而活着。或许是我没勇气去正视自己，也可能是我无法去相信自己，也可能是我畏惧，胆怯，害怕去面对眼前的挑战。无法正视活着的理由也无法面对死神的诱惑。我真的很怕，很怕。。我很怕失败，不懂的如何去面对让母亲失望的罪恶感。

我是一个曾经不被寄予厚望的孩子，我明白的同时也决定去接纳。反正让人期望的感觉很迷惘，失败的同时，期望值的参数将会转换成压力和绝望的数值。不想被压垮的方法就只有不被期望。然而当时，我想让母亲认证我的实力，我决定去超越她的女儿，同时也是我姐。然而，超越了留下的不是胜利的荣誉而是优胜的空虚，没得到认证反而为自己烙上了无可抹去的伤痕。我明白了，不被期望或许也是一种幸福。只要平平淡淡的就好了，反正没什么不好的。

然而随着时光流逝，我开始被瞩目。明明从来就不肯正视我为何到了现在才回头看我？对我说什么，姐姐迟早要嫁人，老了还是要靠儿子什么的。难道在您眼中我是代替品吗？我无论如何都无法告诉她我失败了什么的。明明都不被期望了为何到了现在才。。明明决定了就算不被期待也无所谓，为何还是那么怕让她知道我失败了？明明都已经这样了。。

我真的很害怕。。真的真的很怕。。

也是时候往前走了

好久没有感觉到那么舒畅的心情了。原来把一直想说的东西说了出来是那么的开心的。一开始我对某件事情总是耿耿于怀不过现在已经没事了。打从我离开马来西亚那一刻我就已经知道她已经往前走了只是我还留在原地踏步。我不想往前是因为我害怕去遗忘，忘了不就什么都没有了吗？原来我都错了，打从一开始我就错了。

她总是那么温柔，也许这也是我任性的原因之一吧？我大概是个坏人吧？什么都不说的就离开了，离开得彻彻底底。我不相信成为已分开的恋人后还能够当无事的成为朋友。毕竟彼此之间是那么的了解对方，不管时间流失了多久都一样的。如果想要保持关系的话是一件很辛苦和很不讨好的事。这么辛苦的情感我没勇气去承担，也可以说我承担不起。也许她会认为我很任性吧？都隔了那么久，你还对以前的事那么在意。没错，我放不下，我没你那么勇敢的去接受另一段爱情。“你和她还好吗？”，“还蛮稳定的嘛！”这些话我说不出口。

不过，那都已经不重要了。对我而言，世界只不过是一个笑话，一个虚假的存在。我们到底是为了什么而存在的，为了什么而活着？如今，我还是会对自己说着同样的话，“世界什么的对我而言根本不管我的事，我不是英雄也没想过去去拯救什么。唯一绝对的事就只有时间和死亡。”我不畏惧死亡因为我没什么输不起的。我不想留下任何回忆，什么都抹去就好了。我对这世界一向都很灰暗的，也许是成长背景的关系吧？你走进来然后我又让你走，我很喜欢那被你剥开的乌云。谢谢你给了我那么多回忆，不过已经够了。我已经不需要了。

这篇博客也会是关于你的最后一篇了。我不会再回忆起任何于你有关的一切。即使相见我也会视而不见，这是我最后的决心。我们不再是恋人也不可能成为朋友，

羁绊消失了就不应该留下什么。我很固执,这个我是知道的。决定了我就不会往后看，即使后悔也不会。到最后也给你添了那么多麻烦真是对不起。

我决定往前走了哦！祝你幸福了！

再见了，拜拜。。。

Where do you stand on racism?

Racism is a common seen/heard issue worldwide. No matter which country you are in, you will definitely meet some individuals who have a very strong disgusted feelings towards others of different kind. I come from a multicultural country and growing up meeting many different kind of people, white, yellow, brown, black. For some reason, it is a believe i have that every human being come from one origin. We might never know who is that but of all other life out there, we are the same.

I have this little incident while i was in an Australia Melbourne Airport(While sending my cousin brother off to Malaysia). We were lining up to buy some snacks before he hit the plane and while we were doing so, a group of young local males stand behind us and start talking things like, "Ching-chang-chong-ching". They ran off after a while since we didn't given them any reaction at all(Let's face it, confronting them will only make things worse). I'm an asian(Malaysian Chinese by the way), i really don't mind how others making fun of my kind. When they do so, it just make me feel a little sad. Why would someone even think of doing such thing? I mean, it doesn't give you any benefits(Well, maybe some satisfaction) if you do so. It's not like a word from your mouth could lead me to start cutting myself or anything. Everyone has emotions, we always will have someone in our life whom we don't like but it just doesn't feel right to talk bad about that person.

Have you ever meet someone who talk bad about your kind, what will you do in this kind of situation?

For me, i'll just mumble,"Get a life..".

Embrace the chaos?

Hey! I had a wonderful sleep last night! It's monday again huh? I know exactly how annoying it is to wake up in the morning after a break(Do you have the same experience??). Monday is the day of the week when i have Machine Dynamics test(Boring stuff =p)! I'm not really sure if i should share my experience regarding this test here but i guess everyone is a friend here(You're welcome =) ).

Here it is, for some reason, it is ridiculously easy to cheat in this test(When i say ridiculous, i mean it! =p). I don't know how all of you think of it but let's face it, you will cheat if you had the chance. I actually felt that i shouldn't do it but after i have experience some bitter taste of defeat to those who cheated. It just doesn't feel quite right, it felt like hard work is nothing but something virtually exist. So here's is how i work my way through full marks throughout the tests! It isn't really a smart move but well organised(Trust me, I'm an engineer in-training!). What i did was put all the exercises into a single pdf file and put it in my phone(smart huh?)! Most people will ask why? It is because the lecturer and tutors in this unit are really really lazy. All they did was take out some random questions from the book and give it as a test(I know.. that is really stupid.). If it was you, what will you do?

I'm not saying that everyone should follows my footsteps and cheat through their studies but once in a while, it's good to embrace the chaos. Don't you think so? It's not exactly a fair society out there so why is it wrong to get yourself some good grades?

It's me again and thank you for reading~

Cheers!

To a girl I once loved..

I'm really sorry it took so long. Although i put on my post that the tales will never end but i guess i was foolish to put that in the first place(Haha! xD). I've been busy since i move to Melbourne 2 years back for education purpose. It was a really nice place with nice people (Can't be exactly happy with racism here but most of them are friendly).

Alright, back to the main point of the topic today. For starters, i'm not exactly sure if it was "once" but i'm just going to put there for the sake of grammar. I don't really notice until recently when i was dreamt of her in my dream. I've once heard that your dreams portrait your true desire, something you really want in your life. This post isn't really a way to try to get her back, i would prefer to think of it as a confession for something that i had did. I don't know if i really want to go back again with her, we tried it and it wasn't pleasing. I acted like a child before and after the relationship. I wasn't really proud of words i said and things i done. Probably the reason why my mind wants to torture me with past memories (Karma huh?). I tried to sabotage her relationship with another male just so i can restore our relationship. Apparently it didn't work which is quite comforting but till this day, i regret what i said. I was a jerk, i broke up with her just to satisfy myself and my selfish reason. I insulted her indirectly. Maybe she had forgive me or maybe forget about me but i'll never forgive myself.

In this two years, my mind, unconsciously wanted to erase every moment that i had spent with her. I started to forgot what i had said to her, what i happen between me and her, what her voice was like. I guess it is pretty normal since i don't really want to remember her in the first place. Many people ask why can't you just be friend with her? Well, because i don't want to. Maybe it is just me but i find it inappropriate to befriend someone you once loved. I'm just glad that she has found herself a keeper

I had trouble having REM sleep or in layman's term, deep sleep, since i had that dream. i just feel like if i wrote it out i might feel better about it. For whether is she reading this or not, i just wanted to say i'm sorry. For the reason above and for stalking you once in a while in facebook(I'm really sorry!! ><). I wish you had a lovely and happy relationship with your current suitor.

Live long and prosper!

Sincerely,
Me

Among us...

I've just look at the world map recently and realize that there are a LOTS of nations besides our owns. However, there are just too many difference between ours culture and theirs. There will always be conflict. I have thought about a phrase for it, "No matter where we go, what's the time or who you are, there are always people who do not agree with you."

I strongly believe it's true! Why? I myself are living in a multi-cultural country. Although from others people's view, we look united and are happy. However, there's a lot of conflict going on. It's not wrong for people to fight for their rights yet some may not agree with them. For someone who are more extreme, they criticize, back-stab or even hurt you in order to hurt your feelings or shut your mouth.

When i'm writing this blog, i don't expect people to accept what i think or believe what I've been through. I'm just simply writing to express what i have experience and share it with people other than my friends. Sharing is sort of a way to care others even if they don't really appreciate it. I know it's hard to get everyone to accept the way you think and feel but it's important not to lost faith! Isn't it right? =D

Among us, there's no nationality, no races, no difference as we are all bloggers! We share because we care! Not because we wanna show off! Do mind your language use when you visits people's blog! People spends minutes and hours to write blogs! If you don't care, don't read! If you care, please show your appreciation! (Comment on my entries! Tq =D)

Enjoy~

Future is still an unknown world... isn't it?

It has been a week here in Melbourne... Herm... 2 Weeks i guess... First week of class just seems to be not as exciting as i thought it might be! Well... I have 4 subjects to take care of, Engineering math, Energy and Motion, Material and Process, and lastly... Well... It's basically just English!(The full name of the course is too long! HAHA)

I met some new friends here in Swinburne Uni. My class is basically form by quite a few international students including myself. There are Vietnamese, Islamic(Middle east country), Indians and Malaysians.. I met another malaysian in my class. He is Ming! haha! Fun person and a reliable pal! If i haven't talk to him in the first day.. Well.. We might not be so friend i guess =D

So far... I find that there are 3 subjects which i personally think it's okay! It's Engineering math, Material and process & English! Why not energy and motion? Well... The lecturer is... er... well.. Really not that good! It's not like he doesn't has the knowledge... It's just that he isn't good in presenting it to us, me i guess? o_o

I just hope that i can finish all this boring subjects i have to study right now and get into my 2nd year of bachelor degree! Just wanna tell... The major i'm taking is Mechatronic and Robotic! Haha! Sounds cool eh? Hope the course is fun... o_o